Things Your Missionary Won't Tell You...

I wrote this blog post almost two weeks ago now, but never shared it. Today my boyfriend walked up to the town center to get some popcorn and peanuts for the kids for the movie night we were having later. While at the market he witnessed a older gentleman riding a bicycle get completely smashed by a large truck and killed. It shook him up quite a bit and I was so glad that I had decided not to go to the market with him. Over the last few hours, Ive been thinking about this guy who so suddenly lost his life. I've been thinking about how far he had rode on his bicycle, as most people ride very far distances here in Kampala. I have been thinking about the large jackfruit that he had been carrying on his bike that he had most likely planned to sell. I have been thinking about his family and if they are now wondering why he hasn't come back home. I have been thinking about the truck driver who sped off after killing this man and what kind of guilt he has now harboring in his heart. I have been thinking about the town people at the market who will most likely be the ones to clean up the body and where they will decide to dump him at. I have been thinking about if anyone at all was able to identify him or if he had an ID... I have been thinking about if this man knew Jesus. I have been thinking about the REAL reason I am here in Uganda. Life is so fragile anywhere in the world, but sometimes here in Uganda it seems even more fragile.

I thought tonight after thinking about all of this it was the right time to share this post and encourage all of you to pray for the missionary all over the world.

There are so many things that go on in the lives of people who have given up familiarity  and traded it for a new life in a foreign country. And most of you back home don’t even know the gist of it. But I promise you, your loved ones thousands of miles away wish you did. 

But not for the reasons you may think. Most of us simply want you to

REMEMBER to appreciate the small things. 

This morning I woke up and read the Facebook status of a short term missionary friend I met here in Uganda. 

which read:

“ In the middle of last night, I woke up and my floor fan wasn’t working. At first I thought our power was out since that happens frequently here, but quickly realized it wasn’t. I tried multiple plugs, and it appeared to be broken. Uganda has been in dry season, and it has been HOTT, so I was very sad that my only way to cool off was not working… also who sleeps well when you’re sweating? Yea, no one. If you knew the kind of week I’ve had, you would know what I thought to myself, “Seriously, something else!?” I honestly wanted to cry… over my fan! Today I went into my room and prayed over it. I said “God, I know this is silly. I also know you care about the little things. Please fix my fan.” I waited a few hours and went back and checked… and IT WORKED. I then wanted to cry even more because our God cares so much, about the little details of our life. It was as if He was saying, “Caroline I see you. I know you. I hear you. I’m near you.” Hashtag: Sweetreminders Hashtag: thelittlethings

The most comforting thing for missionaries living abroad, I think, at least for me, is knowing that other people are right there with you going through the same things you are. So posts like this for us is like a breath of fresh air. 

A simple reminder: 

You are not alone in this

It has been uncomfortably HOT here in Uganda for the past month or so. I have literally been sleeping with TWO fans at night and no blanket - as we don’t have the comfort of inside air-conditioning. In February my brother and his girlfriend came to visit. The first time any of my family has come to Uganda to do life with me for a couple weeks. They brought with them lots of “back home comforts” that I had been missing (including kraft Mac & Cheese, some books that would be impossible to get here, my bed sheets from back home, my favorite candy, a few old records and a cushioned mat for my mattress.) Amongst other things - but believe it or not - these things, to me were some of the most important things that they brought with them. 

After I watched my brother and his girlfriend board a plane that would fly them thousands of miles back home. I didn’t actually know what it would feel like, I had heard from other missionary friends who have lived here in Uganda much longer than I have that its hard. But I didn’t know all the emotions that would surface after watching them leave, or how long I would have to cry it off. When family comes to visit, they are a living, breathing, walking replica of your homesickness and everything you feel you are missing out on back home comes to life. And when you live abroad long enough the birthdays, weddings, family reunions, seasons, hangouts with friends, Holidays, etc. only add up. Not to mention the most important small things - eating dinner at home with family, walking your dog, trivial moments that come and go so quickly at home. These things are the hardest things to deal with when you live so far away.

So,

First thing we won’t tell you but wish you knew:

1. Appreciate the time you have together with friends and family, appreciate the ones who are close to you and you can see any day of the week, but most importantly appreciate the small moments you get to have with them, don’t take it for granted, because others so far away wish they could have the same. 

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Finding “imported foods” in Uganda (ask any missionary here) and they will tell you the same thing. Its like you won the lottery, over some canned soup or Prego spaghetti sauce. It’s ridiculous how excited we get over these things. Whats even more ridiculous is how excited we get over JUST seeing these things, because most of the time we can’t even buy them unless they go on sale because they are too expensive. But we are THAT happy just to know they are there, incase we have a home-sickness mental break down one day and that may be the only thing to keep you from buying a plane ticket home. 

You just don’t know the struggle of going to a foreign grocery store and finding almost nothing familiar to you and preparing yourself dinner, when you know what you wanted to cook but it just will never be “just like home cooking” because the ingredients just aren’t the same. You don’t understand this struggle, until you’ve lived abroad. 

A few weeks ago I was talking to my mom on the phone and I told her that I think I  can FINALLY cook comfortably here in Uganda. At home, I love cooking, its even a stress reliever sometimes. I love making new recipes and I love food. But since coming to Uganda and trying to duplicate familiar recipes, with sometimes miserable end results, cooking instead became part of the stress. It has taken almost 2 years to finally become comfortable with the ingredients that I now know I have access to, which took becoming familiar with which stores sell what. But we not only have to become familiar with which stores sell what, BUT also when they will be selling it. Because things run out of stock here quickly and frequently. So before I drone on.. 

Second thing we won’t tell you but we wish you knew:

1. Appreciate the enormous variety of foods you have access to back home and try to imagine how much you would miss those “comfort foods” if you no longer had access to them. AND be thankful that you have food at all, we know one to many people here that are struggling for just one meal a day. 

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After my brother left I couldn’t figure out why I seemed to like my pink bed sheets from back home so much better than my Ugandan bought bed sheets, that feel and are made exactly the same. Until I realized it has to be simply that they are a sweet token of home. I went to the states last year to spend Christmas with my family and I came back during rainy season with it being very chilly at night, my boyfriend who had picked me up at the airport brought my favorite quilted blanket that was handmade for me as a child by my great grandma, who has since passed away, figuring I might be cold on the ride home. After the driver dropped us off at my house and we were busy pulling my suitcases out of the trunk, I realized the next morning that I left my blanket in the car. After calling the driver he insisted that I give him money and come to Entebbe to get the blanket. I was so upset that I couldn’t get my blanket back. Some of the most valuables things missionaries have in their 2nd home countries are keep sakes from back home and although small its devastating when we loose these things.

 Things in Uganda get worn so much easier than things in the states. We wash things by hand and hang them in the intense african sun, which takes enough of a tole on things, but besides that we are often cooking over open flame and dealing with other unavoidable outside elements. I often have to check my attitude when I get defensive over dishtowels given to me by my mom or cups and plates that get lost or broken or worn all simply because they are my keepsakes from home. 

The ugandan mattresses are large cut pieces of ugandan foam and they are stiff and hard to sleep on. I was so happy that my mom packed in my brothers suitcase a soft cushion mattress cover and I am grateful for it every time I sit down on my bed - including right now as I sit and type this. The other night I sat down to the table to work on my receipts. The organization I am under, Love Remedy Inc. is a 501(c)3 that I founded in 2013. I have to keep track of all of my expenses for my taxes at the end of the year. Even running a small non-profit requires a lot of busy work to keep things organized. I put a record on and laid out all my work on the table, as soon as I sat down to get started, my power went off. I attempted to do some of my work under candle light for a while but I figured instead of getting frustrated I better make the best of the situation and make it a adventure. That is the motto I live by most days here in Uganda, I am constantly telling myself, “Look at it as an adventure.” 

I called Dan to fill a pot and put it on our gas stove to start boiling water. The power going out is a normal occurrence and seems to be rather common in my neighborhood particularly. I have become very good at cooking dinner in the dark and we have had many meals in our house by candle light, I remember one night after dinner we played a very interesting game of Uno where it was so hard to tell the green cards from the blue ones, needless to say we’re still not sure who the true winner was. After a long day, none of us were really in the mood to cook a meal in the dark so we decided to have Ramen Noodles. Whenever I go to the grocery I try to pick out the most unique flavors of Ramen Noodles and they have a large variety here in Uganda. We always have fun picking out new flavors and all of us picked something different that night: “Masala, Curry, Oriental Vegetable, Chili, Spicey Chicken.” 

Since I wasn’t very excited about sleeping without my fan, I decided again to stick to my motto of adventure and pull out my camping tent and set it up in the front yard. After-all the lights were off in the neighborhood so the stars were amazing. After explaining to my great dane that he wasn’t allowed in the tent and my two cats to stop attacking the sides of it, I had a wonderful nights sleep outside in the yard.

There are so many things that happen here in Uganda that do not go according to plan and one can become very frustrated over this if not mindful of it. Ask anyone who lives here, things never go exactly according to plan. I don't think I have ever went to a local restaurant here in Uganda and they have had every item that was on their menu, in fact they usually only have like 3 of the items that are on their menu. And life here is the same way, it may seem as if there are many options but those many options usually get narrowed down pretty quickly. And you realize you have to be content and settle with what you have been given. 

Yesterday at church, my pastor, preached a very timely message of being content and not worrying about where things will come from but knowing that when you trust in God He will always give you what you need. 

Last week, the water company delivered my water bill, which is usually around $8 a month. This week my water bill was a staggering $200, almost my entire rent for my house. Because there was no visible leak anywhere in our compound I was hoping it was a mistake from the water company, but after having a plumber come to the house he did discover a leak underground that we had no idea about. I was instantly concerned how I was going to budget in this new expense. My landlord lives in the UK and so its hard to get a hold of him immediately, with the bad network here in Uganda plus time zone differences. 

I sat down writing out what had happened in a message to my landlord after the network had broke off and all the sudden I realized how nervous and worried I was and I felt the holy spirit gently whispering to me, "Why do you worry?"

"Look at the bird of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them." "Are you not much more valuable than the birds?" Matthew 6:25 came rushing through my head and I realized God had this completely under control. I sent the message and was completely at peace. That evening my landlord got back with me, he had the leak repaired and was wiring money to pay the bill. 

So many times God has done things like this for me, I don't know why I always turn back to worrying. God ALWAYS takes care of everything in the end. 

The last couple days my internet had been off completely and I called the company many times to see what was going on to avoid making a lengthy trip to town. Today I had no option but to go to their offices to find out the problem. I discovered their offices completely shut down. After speaking with someone I found out that apparently within a matter of days they have went out of business. I have no idea if I will ever be refunded for the next month of internet I had already paid for but I had no option but to switch to another carrier and buy more internet. Again, even when its frustrating, I will trust God will provide for every expense. 

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I’ve been thinking lately about what the hardest thing is that missionaries deal with living abroad and based on my own experience and talking to other missionaries, i’ve come to only one conclusion. 

Guilt.

There are so many things that we feel guilty about. One thing for sure, is how we spend our money, most long term missionaries are living on a donation based income and we have very specific budgets and from the bottom of our hearts we want that money to be used for our ministry as much as possible, if we didn’t feel so strongly about that we wouldn’t still be here. One of the biggest guilt factors that I have experienced and know my friends have experienced is what kind of food we buy. At my house we eat a lot of local food, its the cheapest way to eat. but we also eat a lot of “americanized” meals as well. Local food here in Uganda consists of this:

 Carrots, Tomatoes, Onions, Green Pepper, Irish Potatoes, Matokee, Sweet Potatoes, Cabbage, Rice, Posho, Beans, Peas, Casava, Pumpkin, G-nuts, Chapati

Incase there are some things on this list you don’t recognize here is a description:

Matokee: Unripened plantains

Posho: Maize flour mixed with water

Chapati: Thick tortilla

Casava: Hard root vegetable 

G-nut sauce: Peanuts crushed and boiled down to a sauce

These are the main options in all Local Food you will find here in Kampala. And most long term missionaries living here feel like our supporters back home expect us to eat this way for every single meal because we are guilty about spending your money in the supermarket on foods we are more familiar with. We know that you can’t actually expect that from us, but we feel guilty anyway. 

The second thing we feel guilty about is simply taking care of ourselves. One thing I know about myself and I have recognized in other missionary friends is most of us are very independent people. We are determined and driven to do what we need to do and we need that stubbornness sometimes to get us through things that we face here. But more often than not we will force ourselves to keep going when our bodies are screaming to stop. We will refuse to buy medication or go to a good doctor because of money or because we will just refuse to believe that we have pushed ourselves to breaking point and we simply need to rest. 

We feel guilty to take a break. And if we are wise enough to rest we aren’t going to tell you about it because we feel guilty about that too. 

I have read a lot of biographies, watched a lot of old movies and stories of old time missionaries in all parts of the world. I personally love writings from Mother Teresa, these stories are exciting for us to read and they inspire us and encourage us - but sometimes - they also give us a false persona of who WE should be as missionaries today, in this world. 

There is a sweet old women at home, who attends my dads bible study group every monday night. She is 87 years old. When she was in her youth she also was a missionary living in Africa, but that was many many years ago. Today we complain about our 24 hour flights to Africa, but she couldn’t take a plane to Africa. She had to come by boat! With her 3 children! For 17 days! Can you imagine? Then after arriving they actually lived inside of the shipping container that carried their small airplane they had brought with them. I love talking with her and hearing her experiences in Africa then compared to now.

Don’t get me wrong there are still missionaries today here in Africa and all over the world who live in the village or the jungle, they live in simple made houses made from earth, they put up with the elements, diseases, bugs, animals, witchcraft, crazy culture clashes. And even us missionaries living here in the city still face a lot of these challenges with only being an hour away from village life. But we can’t deny how far this country has come at the same time and we can be okay with that. 

As missionaries we walk a thin culture line of when and where we should fall more into African culture to relate with the people we minister to and where we should hang onto our home culture and values. And its not an easy line to walk and the hardest part is people who won’t and can’t understand it back home. 

There are a lot of things that we single female missionaries won't discuss with you back home because we don't want you to get a bad picture of the country that is so dear to our hearts and most of all we don't want you telling us that we shouldn't be there and we should go back home. Here are a few things that I personally don't talk to people about for that very reason:

People here offend me almost every single day. If I leave my house, someone will make an inappropriate comment at me, Boda Boda guys will harass me and try to hustle me for more money, I am disrespected for dating a ugandan, children will yell Muzungu at me constantly and ask me for candy and money (because that is what they have been taught is right by ugandan parents and foreigners alike.) Taxi conductors will grab and try to physically force me in their taxi and everyday I have to work through anger and patience and humility like I have never had to before. Police and pretty much anyone in authority will try to ask for bribes for things that is there job to do. The sun is intense, the rain is intense, the dirt is intense, the smells are intense, the noise is hard to escape and no matter what kind of house you live in you WILL have bugs. Your power will go out, your internet will be slow. You have to face cultural clashes every single day, somethings you get use to, somethings you maybe never will. Some people you will get along with and others you won't. Missionaries get mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted all the time for these very reasons amongst many other things. 

And typically our biggest dilemma is ourselves. We are the ones pushing ourselves to keep going when we need to rest, we are the ones telling ourselves that we aren't doing enough so we add more on our plate, we are the ones that are feeding into our guilt that we have placed on our shoulders for no reason. 

I think I have concluded that Satans biggest tool against missionaries is guilt. Because when we push ourselves to breaking, we are no longer making the impact that we were created to make. 

One thing you may not know about us long term missionaries (the ones who want to stay in our 2nd home country for perhaps the rest of our lives.) 

We love our 2nd home country just as much as we love our 1st home country. This means no matter how homesick we get for our 1st home. When we go back to visit we will always be homesick for our 2nd home. It feels like a curse, because we have fallen in love with two places. Be considerate and try to understand that as much as we may complain about some things in our 2nd home, as much as things may get messy and hard at times. We love it here and it is our home and truth be told we may not even have it any other way. Because the difficulties of life in our 2nd home country may be exactly what we love and hate about it at the same time. We are afraid to vent these things to you because we also want you to know that we love our 2nd home and when it seems like a mess, to us it is a beautiful mess, despite all the things that make us uncomfortable here. 

The most important thing we want you to know is

Being out of your comfort zone, will ALWAYS push you closer to the giver of comfort. 

The giver of the wonderful “small things”. The one who created beauty from ashes and allows you to have emences Joy and Peace amongst all the chaos that you’re not sure you will ever understand. 

And that. Is the true selfish reason why we are here. Because we missionaries may be the most broken of all and realize more than ever that we NEED to be stripped of everything so we can know more of HIM. As much as we want comfort we are scared of the comforts of home because they fog our view of the one we are so incredibly dependent on.  We need Jesus just as much if not more than the people we are sharing Him with. 

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