Patient Reflections

Lamentations 3:25

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, 

To the soul who seeks Him. "

Sometimes life can be exhausting. 

And in those sometimes, God is usually the only one

that seems to be tenderly drawing me in. 

Tonight I reflected. 

Sometimes I feel like time is not my friend. 

I've boarded a lot of planes in my life and looking out that window

Time is what is always looking back at me. 

As I look out those familiar plane windows my thoughts always

 wonder back to the same thing. That time has come and gone and it 

just keeps moving and there is no way of stopping it. 

Now only last for one second. 

But those many seconds make up our time and 

our time can teach us about tomorrow. 

And even when time is full of pain and loss, 

things have to keep moving, because 

tomorrow is just another day and to quote Hootie and the Blowfish

I don't believe in time. 

although God has taught me some great things this past year. 

I have had some of the hardest times of my life. 

And I am just tired. 

I've loved and I've lost and everything just keeps moving 

and moving…

and tonight as I reflect, I finally realized why I feel so exhausted. 

And I stopped being so hard on myself for all my mistakes and 

messy emotions. 

When you sincerely ask JESUS to break your heart for what breaks HIS. 

He doesn't hold back. 

and sometimes it just hurts. 

and it's okay. 

Because that's how we learn. 

Through our pain we can learn a lot about ourselves. 

Nothing prepares you for how hard it will be to love on these little children by day and walk away from them knowing that they will go back to sleep on the streets at night. 

No one but God is there when you lie awake 

in your bed at night in Uganda listening to the thunder and storm and wondering where those children are sleeping, and if they are cold or wet or crying. 

Nothing prepares you how to handle a situation when a sweet little boy falls asleep in your lap and doesn't wake up and has to be rushed to the clinic by a boda boda in Kampala traffic and you're the only one to take him. 

and nothing prepares you for how hard it is to 

try to care for him after that and better his situation only to have him end back up on the streets. 

nothing prepares you for how awful the feeling 

is the next time you try to go back and find 

him only to get more bad news..

 It hurts and there's no way around it.

No one tells you how hard it is to stay in contact with those you desperately want to help when you have to leave. 

Nothing prepares you for how deeply you will fall in love 

with a little girl who you will teach to walk

and literally ache and cry when she gets sick 

and feed her and dress her and wipe away her tears. 

I never knew how much I would cry, when comes 

time to board a plane and go back home and break that bond. 

Nothing prepares you for all the orphans in the 

orphanages and on the streets that you will see day in and day out. 

And no one warns you how bad it will hurt to see it 

and how much your heart will ache to care for them. 

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No one tells you that it might be the last time that you 

get to hold one of these little ones, because tomorrow

they may go home to be with Jesus. 

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Sometimes you're not even mourning yourself, 

you're just mourning with others. 

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Nothing prepares you for how much it will hurt to break 

up with your boyfriend of 3 years because 

your lives are going in different directions. 

Nothing prepares you for how homesick you start to become, 

for the small things you use to take for granted. 

somewhere along the way, I became numb and usually wasn't 

until coming home that all my bottled up emotions 

would come pouring out. 

If there is one thing I've learned 

it's that time 

does not wait for you to catch up. 

It just keeps moving. 

So I decided not to believe in time. 

I'd rather believe in Jesus. 

Because He does wait for me to catch up. 

He waits even when no one else will. 

He doesn't push me to keep going 

when I am tired. 

Because sometimes I don't even know how worn out 

I actually am until he says 

"wait and rest in me" 

My humanness inside of me says hurry, you got to keep moving, 

because time will leave without you. 

But Jesus says wait on me. 

Seek me and allow me to guide you. 

Don't run ahead without me and wear yourself out. 

The other day I was thinking back to 

all the different places I have been this last year or so. 

I have stayed in so many hotel rooms, guest houses, friends houses, 

orphanages, and even renting a room at a home with 8 girls in california. 

Sleeping in new places, doesn't phase me. 

honestly I wish I had pictures of all the different 

beds I have slept in, in my life. 

They would add up fast. 

A bed and a house are important things in someones life. 

They provide a comfortable and safe place 

for resting. Someones home is their fortress in a way. 

One of the things that has worn me out more than anything. 

Is lack of stability in where I'm staying. 

I'm moving from one place to the next. 

But none of these places I can really call my own. 

My fortress. 

And it's okay. 

Because right now, Jesus, is teaching me that He is my fortress. 

No matter where I am, He is my home. 

And I am to rest in Him. 

It's not easy. 

It can be very uncomfortable at times. 

But it's necessary. 

Because home is where the heart is. 

And my heart should always be rested in Jesus. 

Even though, this past year has been one of the hardest

in my life. 

And there are always going to be things I wish I 

could have done differently. I wouldn't trade all 

that I have learned about myself, about this life 

and about my Lord and savior

I don't regret loving even though there is loss.

I don't regret trying even when I fail. 

I don't regret continuing on even when it hurts. 

"Lord, today you know what I need to do, 

But you can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do. 

So I won't run anymore. 

I'm waiting on you. "

- Bethany Dillion